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Det finns bättre dagar än dessa....

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they both were eaten by a killer whale.

2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of nagging, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.

3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole - sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, only to find that his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And the capper.....

6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

Hoping your day is better than any of these!

engelska är minsann inte lätt alla gånger...

Ett plan hade kraschat och alla överlevande hade simmat till en öde ö. Det var ett gäng tyskar, några engelsmän och en japan.

Efter några dagar började tyskarna organsiera upp arbetet på ön.. En av tyskarna sa: "I'm the minister of finance" och en annan sa "I'm the minister of defense" och efter ett tag hade alla personer fått ministerposter utom japanen som verkade lite deppig.

De andra märkte detta och en av dom kom på en idé: "You could be the minister of supplies!". Japanen blev kanonglad och sprang rätt ut i skogen och försvann.

Efter några dagar började de andra bli oroliga och man bestämde sig för att gå in i skogen och leta efter honom. Allihopa gick in i den mörka skogen och

helt plötsligt hoppade japanen fram och skrek: "SUPPLIES!!!!!"

Hmmmm...

Lärarinnan ställer frågor till barnen.
- Vad är det som har fyra ben, är brunt och lever i skogen?
- Älgen, svarar Elsa.
- Rätt tänkt, säger lärarinnan, men det kunde också vara ett rådjur.
- Vad är grönt och hoppar i gräset?
- Gräshoppa, svarar Ulla.
- Rätt tänkt, men det kunde vara en groda också.
Då ställer Gösta en fråga till lärarinnan.
- Vad är det som är stort och hårt när fröken stoppar det i munnen, liten och mjuk när den tas ut? Lärarinnan ger Gösta en örfil, men han fortsätter:
- Rätt tänkt, men det kunde vara tuggummi också!

Öl är tydligen bra för mer än håret?!?

"A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. So that's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

Upp och ner

An former friend of mine was married to a great gal; unfortunately, he had to put up with his wife's mother who was a very cranky and vituperous person. In the morning when my buddy got up to go to work, his mother-in-law would sneak around a hallway corner and hiss at him, "If you don't treat my daughter right when I die I'll dig up from the grave and haunt you!"

When the poor guy would stop in for lunch, his mother-in- law would blurt out while hiding behind a drape, "If you don't treat my daughter right when I die, I'll dig up from the grave and haunt you. Alas, in the evening while having a well-deserved cocktail, my friend's mother-in-law would pop up from behind the bar and say, "If you don't treat my daughter right when I die, I'll dig up from the grave and haunt you."

Well, I happened to bump into my buddy a month ago and while having a beer I asked him how his mother-in-law was feeling. He said, she isn't feeling anything; she died two months ago!" I quickly asked him if he was worried about her ominous threat? He said, "Hell, no! I buried her face down; let her dig; I don't care!"

I engelska är stavning viktigt

A male whale and a female whale were swimming just off the coast of Japan when they saw a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned and killed his father many years earlier. He told the female whale about the ship killing his father and, seeking revenge, said, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out our air holes at the same time. It should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They proceeded and, sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized that the sailors were swimming to the safety of shore. The male whale was enraged that they were going to get away and said to the female, "Quick! Let's swim after them, and gobble them up before they reach shore." At this point he realized that the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen.

Sverige är fantastiskt

Beautiful Sweden!

Aug 12
Moved to our new home in Sweden. It is so beautiful here. The mountains and lakes are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them. I love it here.

Oct 14
Sweden must be the most beautiful place on Earth. The leaves have turned all the colours and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride in the mountains and saw some deer. They are so graceful, they have got to be the most wonderful animals on Earth. This must be paradise. I love it here.

Nov 11
The deer hunting season starts soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. I hope it will snow soon. I love it here.

Nov 12
It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a picture postcard. We all went outside and cleaned off the steps and shovelled the driveway. We then had a snowball fight (I won) and when the snowplough came by, we had to shovel the driveway again - ho hum!! What a beautiful place. I simply love it here.

Dec 8
More snow again last night. I love it. The snowplough man did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here.

Dec 19
Yet more snow last night - must have had about 23 different types ! Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. I'm exhausted from shovelling snow. Damn snowplough.

Dec 22
More of that damn white shit fell last night. I ' ve got blisters on my hands from shovelling. I think that the snowplough hides just round the bend and waits until I've done shovelling the driveway. Asshole!

Dec 25
Merry fucking Christmas! More bloody snow. If I ever get my hands on that bastard who drives the snowplough I swear I'll kill the bastard. I don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the fucking ice.

Dec 27
I don't believe it - more white shit last night. We've been inside for three days now except for when we are shovelling out the driveway after the snowplough goes through everytime. Can't go anywhere, the car is buried under a mountain of white shit. The weatherman says we are to expect another 30 cm of the shit again tonight. Do you have any idea of how many shovels full of snow that is?

Dec 28
Fucking weatherman! How wrong can you get? We got 90 cm of that white shit this time. At this rate it won't melt before next summer. The snowplough got stuck up the road and the bastard came to the door and asked if he could borrow my shovel! Fucking nerve of the man!!! After I told him I had broken six shovels already shovelling all that shit he pushed into my driveway, I broke my last one over his fucking head. Ha, Ha!

Jan 4
Finally got out of the house today. We went to the store to get food and another snow shovel and on the way back a damned deer ran in front of the car and I hit it. Did about SEK 5000 of damage to the car. Those fucking beasts should be killed, they're a bloody menace. I wish the hunters had killed them all last November.

May 3
Took the car to the local garage for a service. Would you believe the thing is rusting out from all that fucking salt they put on the roads.

May 10
Moved to Spain. I can't imagine why anyone in their right minds would want to live in bloody Sweden.

Int' vet man hur kvinnor vill ha de'

Pekka flyttade till Sverige och försökte anpassa sig i det svenska samhället. Han började gå i kyrkan på söndagarna. En måndag kom han till jobbet med en riktig blåtira över ena ögat! Jobbarkompisen Jocke frågar förvånat:

- Vad i all världen har hänt?

- Joo, du vet när jag var i kyrkan igår så skulle vi ställa oss upp och sjunga en psalm. Framför mig reste sig en vacker äldre dam upp och då såg jag att kjolen åkt in i ändan på henne. Jag tänkte att så ville hon nog inte ha det så jag böjde mig fram och drog ut kjolen. Då vände hon sig om och klappade till mig!

Nästa måndag kom Pekka till jobbet med en ännu större blåtira på andra ögat plus en fläskläpp!

- Vad är det nu då?!!

- Joo du vet, jag var i kyrkan igår och samma dam satt i raden framför mig igen. När alla reste sig för att sjunga så hade kjolen smugit sig sig in i ändan på henne igen.

- Och du tog ut den??

- Nä, hennes man stod tydligen bredvid henne och fick se det hela så han drog ut den

- ??

- Men jag visste ju att hon inte ville ha det så, så jag stoppade in kjolen igen!!!

Kommunikation är inte det lättaste

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he does a sign language.

To do sign language, the man on the 3rd flor points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.

The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants and starts masturbating.

The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says, "What the heck is wrong with you, dumb ass? I said I need a handsaw!".

The other man says, "I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming."

Första tanken är inte alltid den bästa

Two Irishmen, Pat & Mike, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Pat stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.

To the amazement of Pat, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Pat blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness!"

The genie lapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

Mike looked disgustedly at Pat whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:"Nice going Pat! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

Ooups!!!

Three men died and went to heaven. Heaven had a new policy that whatever good or bad things a person did in his or her life, he or she would get a car accordingly.

When the first man arrived, an angel asked him, "How many years were you married?" The first man responded, "Twenty years." "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" "Five times," the man said. "Okay," the angel said, "you can go in but you will only get a Fiat."

As the first man drove away in his Fiat, the second man arrived. "How many years were you married, young man?" the angel asked. "Ten years." "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" "Two times," he responded. "Well done. Here is your Volvo S40."

As the second man drove away, the third man arrived. He was a very old man. The angel asked him, "How many years were you married, old man?" "Forty years." "And how many times did you cheat on your wife?" "Never." The angel smiled and held out a set of shining keys. "Excellent, Here is your Jaguar 2000."

One day in heaven, the first and second men were driving and they came across the old man, who was crying and really depressed. They went over and asked him why he was very sad even though he had a very nice car. He told them that he just saw his wife and she was on rollerblades.